A few years later, I began dreaming of becoming pregnant. The dreams started becoming so frequent, that there were several occasions that I actually had myself believing that my period was late due to pregnancy. Hoped that I was pregnant was more like it. I kept most of this to myself, because it was ridiculous to want more children in today’s time, what with the extra financial burden, the daycare, and the lack of sleep, right?…..right?
Then our world was shaken from the roots to the tips, and almost knocked us right out of the tree. My husband lost his job and then we lost our home. As bad as that was, and even though we have never been so humiliated and humbled, something wonderful happened. We truly knew what it was to trust the Lord. We didn’t really have a choice, because all of our efforts had failed, and we were hanging on to a wing and a prayer. All of our best laid plans that took years to build, were burnt to a crisp in six months. However, out of the ashes came a new life, one that I would not trade for the world, and one that I thank God for everyday. Our life is simple now. We rent instead of own, until we can pay cash for a house, we now pay cash for everything, we home school after God placed it on our hearts to do so, and we live off of one income. None of that would have been possible before we lost everything. Sometimes you have to lose it all to gain everything.
Yet, here I am with a wish. A yearning, a desire, a hope that will not come true. I am now 38 years old and having my tubal ligation reversed would take more money than we have, and might not be successful at my age. By using my free will to determine what I thought was best for my family and myself, I took away God’s plans for me. I guess I could rationalize that this was God’s plan for me all along, especially knowing that God knows the outcome of our lives before we were even born, but it doesn’t shake the feeling that God placed it on my heart to have more children. Our journey over the last two years has made me realize that children are a gift from God, and I sealed up the mailbox, nothing going in and nothing coming out. How sad.
There was another obstacle that was preventing me from having more children; my husband. He was pretty happy with the decision that we made 13 years ago, as he had only wanted two children to begin with. He felt bad that I cried at the drop of a hat, and he tried to understand when I pleaded my case to him time after time, but he wasn’t getting it. In his eyes, we were almost free. Our children were teenagers now and would soon be flying the nest. We would then be able to spend the next 40 to 50 years as a couple, free from the burden of taking care of children. I prayed and prayed for God to reveal to my husband what He had laid on my heart. Children were a gift, a blessing, not a burden.
One day, my prayers were answered. I had searched the Bible over for all of the verses that pertained to children. I presented my husband with case after case of how children are our legacy and our purpose in this life. Finally, he got it. He didn’t burst into the room one day and declare, “If we do not have more children right now, I will never be whole and happy….please bear me 10 more children”. No, it was much more subdued, almost as if to say, “I know that this is what God wants for us, so I’m in”. Either way, I’ll take it.
It will not be easy, and it will probably be heartbreaking on so many different levels, but we have decided to become foster parents. There are so many children that need the love and support that we would have given to additional biological children. I am not worried about not being able to love someone else’s children like they were my own, I am worried about losing those children to unfit parents or going with relatives who do not really want them. However, we have learned our lesson on who is in control, and we know without a doubt that it is God. We trust him completely, and we know that wherever this road may take us, He is leading the way.If you are where I was at age 25, please think long and hard about sterilization. It is not easy to undo, and is very expensive. I think it is amazing that insurance companies will pay for a woman to become sterile, but not to reverse it. Let God be your guide for the number of your family. There will be peace in knowing that you let God decide, instead of thinking you know best. Childbirth is painful….having an empty womb and knowing it is all your fault….more painful than you can imagine.